Drama
I crave drama. Drama! I envied their emotions, their passion! Why can't real life be like that, I asked myself, as I imagined me standing there instead of those actors. Why can only our minds conjure such passionate moments of true feelings, of honest tears and twisted screams.
For we do feel. We do, at times. When we're alone, sitting by our computers, we sometimes may feel. When we're walking down a lonely street, we may feel. But in the company of others, we act. Or at least that is what I have perceived thus far. The only drama in this world is fabricated for drama's sake. I've done it, several times, both jokingly and in serious situations. All the while being too focused on acting to succumb to my emotions. Once, did I truly fall into the beautiful abyss of drama, but then I was far too confused to let it shine through..
I want THOSE feelings, THOSE emotions. No gray zones, no anxiety, no apathy. I want pure fucking blood flowing through my veins filling me with genuine HATRED and humble LOVE. But alas, we do not live in the realm of movies. We live in a gray and hollow world. We live in a world where our minds paint the nature rather than the other way around.
I want to be a fictional character. I want to starr in those lovely movies.
Drama is rejected and considered ridiculous in our society. It is strictly against the norms to be torn apart by our inner selves, and so we bottle our feelings up. But we may not even do that in a dramatic way, no, it's not the scenario where the lone man "sucks it up" and goes on a journey to never come back. We are far too dependent on other people's fucking PITY in order to do such dramatic things. No, we bottle it up, until we cannot feel it any longer. We swallow it and we smile, and we slowly fall apart.
Oh fantasy, bring me with you! Let me ride freely on your wings.
Let me feel.
[ The movie I was watching was "Adventure Land". A youthy movie. Same thing with this as with "Funny People", they made me feel so much outside of their own worlds. They brought out real emotions within me. Real memories. Real tears. ]
adieu
I have an alternative for you, something I consider a bit interesting: Take satisfaction in that whatever happens, YOUR emotions are real. No matter what the world is, you still feel. You can feel true sorrow for what the world is. You can mourn for a friend. You can feel love for beauty or whatever and you can feel passion for a shitload of things. You ARE a god damned character in a book. A quite complex one actually. Am I lying? Are your actions not motivated by some emotion? That you hide your true emotions just makes it dramatic in a different way. That makes it a movie in which the main character has a tortured "what I've felt, what I've known, never shined through in what I've shown"-quality to him. Ehhh, ehhhh? :D Is there not rage and frustration in you? There is, no? When you walk through the streets at night, the main character in the movie is doing something quite different to most people, whatever he gets out of it. Imagine it as a part of a book, and let your inner monologue sit there. The main character for some reason goes out to take midnight strolls, perhaps enjoying himself just, or thinking? You've got some Raskolnikov shit going on there I'm sure (spiritually, not literally). If to achieve that was your purpose in the first place then there's just more drama there because the main char is trying to create something real for himself in a world of fake plastic trees. You sit in school, agonized over the tedium, the slowness and the boredom. Your main character sits in this hateful school that he resents; quite dramatic. Your character numbs himself to the world with vapid entertainment or whatever, all the while knowing his choice but hardly even caring anymore because of what's going on (I don't fkn know this is your movie not mine :P); quite dramatic. Picture it in black and white bro :D Your character gives a cry of outrage at discovering Bella Swan is played by the same actress that plays the female lead in Adventureland, and curses it on his ranting blog, perhaps with some feelings of betrayal, however deciding that the awesome experience he had with Adventureland shall NOT be tainted by it; also quite dramatic in it's own, charming way ^^ Haha have you seen any of the twilight-movies btw? Maybe you'll love them for their drama ;)
Take pride in being a character in your own right, and consider it. Am I being cheesy, fooling myself? Meebby, this is just one of my self-crafted mechanisms of auto-selfsatisfaction. But it works, and none of it is untrue. It's all about how you choose to see it. You have the choice yourself.
No matter what the world is, you can "LIVE THE MOVIE! BE THE HERO!" (LOTR-game commercial ftw).
Meanwhile, I'm totally hungry <.<'
