Micolus the Colossus

"Do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law"

Alone, but not lonely...

Maaaybe I should read all your posts before commenting the next time. :P

I don't sugarcoat. If I coat, I coat with a fine substance chemically undetectable, that while tasting just as good as sugar won't stand out to be identifiable by either your taste buds nor by the effect it has on your body, nor by the smell or by any other method. Luckily, I don't coat ;)



First thing's first, the title. While it does tie in to the poem later and has meaning, it feels kind of cheesy, it's my old complaint that I think you know well; it sounds "högtravande", to me at least. Not that it is for me to say, but I would've suggested maybe using what is more specific for this poem to flavor it further instead, playing on the special elements you introduced that sets this work apart from others instead of a title that kind of sounds like it's taken from a cpu-game. Here, I would believe it to be the mayfly, and the unique position of having the sun holding regrets. I dunno, play around with it if you feel like. "The Voice of the Mayfly"? Having "of the" in a title also feels pretty tired, I don't know shit though, so what I have to say probably has little value. "Sunlight Reverie"? (Reverie=daydream, it's my new favourite word ^^). Maaan I am pretty cheesy though too am I not? Of course those were randomly thrown out and not to be taken too seriously. :P



Okay, done with the title. Let's see here. I guess my complaints are that it doesn't really feel like the thing flows very well. Or so to say, the structure doesn't really feel "comfortable" so to say, except for maybe with the four "looking" and the three final paragraphs. Sure, it has a red thread in the narrative, but each paragraph in itself feels as though it has no connection to the next one in large except for by the read thread of the narrative. While I like the short statement sentences thing, the flow inside each paragraph has the same problem. The fact that your verse is "untamed" (each line differs in length and is often quite independent of the last one regarding what it states) is an intended thing, and with that it is as it should be. It feels like what you've got here is just... how to put this... "awkward". Or "clumsy", so to say. I hope you take no offence, because I mean none, but the feeling I get is that of a shipbuilder building a ship which is kind of square and bulgy, heavy and floats deep in the water when the ship could've been a smooth, streamlined little sloop that with elegance sails lightly on the water. Man I suck at similes, but that kind of feels like the core of my critique. I kind of feel like it could be more elegant... but as I've said my experience with poetry is limited so maybe I should shut my mouth, or my... virtual pen.



So to summarize above paragraph, critique:

Uncomfortable flow, kind of clumsy

Liked the style in general and definitely has potential...

Well, I'm probably putting too much mathematics in poetry, seeing as I've read almost no poetry I have no idea of how things can be or what would be considered good "poetically".



There are light points as well of course, as I've told you I liked the part from the sun and forth. Little things like repeating "no tomorrow", or the double entendre of being laughed at by tomorrow (laughed at by tomorrow as in time, or by tomorrow as in "tomorrow laughs at you") are things one can appreciate, another example strikes below:



Not sure if this is intentional, but I kind of like the way you define down as into the earth. Think of it this way: technically on the moon down would be into the core of the moon, but by defining down as to earth (on the moon, nowhere to go but down) you are doing lots of interesting things. You connect the two different types of "on earth": to be down on earth can be seen as close to reality, at the same time you put it as being low, emotionally. To be far away from the earth, on the moon, is then to be far away from reality, but in happee happee clouds? Pretty niceish. As I said dunno if it was intended but it struck me...



Well those are my 2/10 of a cent.. summary of them:

Uncomfortable flow, kind of clumsy, liked the choice of style, a few cool details and the last four paragraphs in general. To me it almost feels like if you just take those four they are complete enough in themselves. Maybe with a single paragraph - something like the first one - in front of them as introduction to the entire subject all would feel more slick and digestible. Mmm, digestible mainstream stuffz ^^.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WxrLYzUnco

The song I was listening to while writing this entire thing, enjoy mainstream pop stuff, ignore the video (I listened to it in the background ^^)



Oh well, cya around broham, and best luck to you young poet, the world needs your pen and your sharp mind to shed some light!