Micolus the Colossus

Iggy pop, y'all

There are so many memories that I will never remember; that I will never look back upon with a gleeful smile and tell my grandchildren about. There is so much I will never experience, feel, see, touch... Oh God

Yet I've seen them. People. Experiencing things, feeling things. I have seen them fade away in spiritual climaxes and I have seen them succumb to pain. I have seen them fall victim to their emotions, allowing them to taste this beautiful fruit of life. I have toyed with the idea that I may one day feel. I have put myself in these common peoples' places and I have imagined their orgy of emotions. I have told myself that in the event that I should feel this symbiotic light, that I shall not take it for granted. I shall not neglect it once it has been achieved. I shall not disregard emotions.

So I dream

And whenever I finally manage to reach one of many supposed states of awe, I can't help but becoming severely disappointed. I guess it's why nothing has remained sacred. Nothing feels as good anymore. My late night trips to the kitchen, my experimental mixing of foods, music, nature, games. Nothing is as good as it is in my mind. Nothing is enjoyable.

And to whom do I present this kiddery?

I demand too much. I crave for more. I raise the bar, even though the bar hasn't been conquered in several years. I keep on raising it. Everest. I have focused for too long on this one thing, on this naive belief (still believing), this one goal. I must stop at once. I knew it was folly even from the first minute I fucking thought about it... Yet my mind just had to go on and imagine... It had to create this epic world. But here's the difference, see. I believe that this particular imagination can actually be surpassed by the reality.. YES! That's what my belief is about. I believe the spirits can crush the fallacies of the faulty minds.

Back to the disappointments, though. I do keep a straight face, even though the greatest of imaginations have been violently raped. I keep a straight face and I react in a believable way. And here, my friends, comes the problem, see what if that's what they all are, really good actors, or rather, great liars, tricking themselves, then we're facing trouble. My belief has gotten its first dent. I can only hope that what I've seen has been true and that I am the faulty link, and that I one day too will learn their pain and their pleasure.

But I do remember a time; a time when everything was perfect; when worries were distant and faith was strong. Faith in life. The good ol' days. But just as those people I genuinely fear that these memories are a product of my dreamer self. I tell myself that I have evolved, that I have been elevated. But oh, what an elevation. I tell myself this, yet I am not sure whether I have ever been euphoric.

Euphoria. Complete and utter happiness.

I remember writing that once, and I remember what a load of bull it was, too. That I remember. It was around that time that the newest Micolan era began: The Era of Disillusion. Following the Aegis Ad Astra. Whatever.

Something, however, drives me. Something keeps me from disappearing into the void. I do exist, by the human definition, and so I am part of the Great Constant.

Everything in this world is grey, until our senses paint them.

This last reach, however. This final struggle for vindication, salvation, has not been pleasant. It has turned my world empty and hollow and it will continue to be like that until the stars are mine. I wonder, though, why the hell did I have to do that now? Now, of all times? The timing is horrible. And to almost succeed is far worse than to fail utterly. Ah to be one of the poles, one of the lights, one of the many. Ah to feel. There are only two ways to go now: Up or down, heaven or hell, pain or pleasure. The pain is real, why isn't the euphoria. The greatest of all arguments, the strongest of all points.

cogito ergo sum... I wonder



I think I have never been alone for 24 hours. That is the saddest and most pathetic fact of my life. Jesus Christ, they're like fucking roaches. They have put hooks in our mouths, making it impossible for us to escape. And who am I to blame them? It is what they're told to do, programmed to do. "Raise your kid, raise your kid". Fuck you! Raise your own fucking self for a change....ah but ah

adieu

Turn your gaze to the stars, and the world you stand upon shall be taken for granted. [another quote in the bank]


oh gi ran jaaa               ran ja ja ran