Micolus the Colossus

Hell fucking yes!

I made a poem out of my latest post.

A Moment in Eternity

Staring at the ceiling
Lying in his bed
A man
Wrinkled and old
Scarred by the past
Laughed at by tomorrow

Arisen
Awoken
Walking into the kitchen
Eating
Never really full
Never really satisfied
As so many times before
Just a little more, he thought
A little more and I shall be happy
But some never learn...

Looking out the window
Turning on the TV
Get calls from "friends"
Spitting their worthless morales
Onto him
Into him
Their well rehearsed VOMIT
"Hapiness and joy, no tomorrow"
No tomorrow

Looking in the mirror
Old and disgusting
Fragile and weak
Old

Looking back
A happy man
A carefree man
A man on the peak
A man on the moon
No way to go but down

Looking closer
No peaks to be seen
No happiness
No carefree times
Only dreams about them
HOPES
about them

At the end of the road
Awaiting
Hungering
Opened mouth
Burning eyes
Death awaits
Death destroys
Crescendo of pain
Climax of relief

Oh to be the sun!
Immortal!
Carefree!
Always peaking
No fear
No restraints
only life

But don't you know?
Asked the mayfly
Don't you know
Nothing escapes death
The sun shall die as well
The sun will cry
As well
It will remember

Oh, what hell we must live in then!
What torture we must endure!

The mayfly did not mind
It did not care
It flew gently from flower to flower
From plant to plant
And at last
Into the realms of death
Without regrets

The days are getting shorter once more. Slowly, the light will fade and darkness will once again conquer the northern hemisphere. I've experienced this several times now, 17 to be exact, although only three or four of these occasions have been after my leaving the shell of childhood. The prison of childhood.

Ah to be a child once more, it seems life would be so much richer if one was allowed to experience it once more. [fuck yeah]

And as the sun slowly retreats, it envies the night. It envies the moon and the stars. But at least, it will find comfort in the fact that it will again seize control of the sky within a year. It is immortal, although living in cycles.

A man does not live in cycles. A man is born to die, and death is final. A man is created through the most miraculous of molecular coincidences (initially) and flung into this world of constants. Thrown into a world of immortals.

A child- A man- An elder - Earth

Only the latter stages of our lives may appreciate the early. Only as memories may we enjoy our childhoods. We look back, and we MAKE it real. But alas, the reality is Now, and it will always be.

A man realizes his own mortality.

He knows that he will die.

He figures that one should enjoy as much as possible during the little time we have. He will soon realize what a hell this knowledge of death is. He won't be able to laugh, only cry. Cry for lost ambitions. Cry for dreams never fulfilled. CRY BECAUSE HIS FELLOW MEN ENJOY THEMSELVES. THEY FEEL AND THEY LAUGH. The man sighs when presented with the most wonderful of lights. What's the use, he says, it will all come to an end, anyway.

We will all die.

A child does not know of death, nor does the rock. The man wishes to be the child. "Oh to be a child once more, a life devoid of troubles and misery"

A life devoid of intellect.

"WHY CAN'T WE BE LIKE THE SUN?"

It comes and it goes. It is born and it dies. It lives in cycles.

So do we.

But you know what, the sun will die as well.

It is all to be seen from a perspective


Meanwhile, a beautiful little mayfly flies from flower to flower, dreaming of immortal life

Oh, to be human, it cries. Oh to be immortal.



Poemifiable, anyone?

Yek rouz to ham darde man ra mifami - Dave


A trip to the clouds. A blind climbing up the hills of naivety. A foolish smile. A juvenile laugh.

-Let him live in his own world, at least there he is happy and accepted, why would you want to take that away from him?

- Because it's not right, goddamnit. My own son! A mad man?! Get him off those pills

- But sir, so much effort vould go to waste, we finaly numbed down his inner pains.

- HAH! What does he have to cry about? When I grew up I did so in hardship and misery, this boy has gotten it all? Why can't I have a normal son?!

Pull the fucking plug already; I have no son!

The young man's head became a chaotic plave once more. The fairies and dragons and kings and queens and lovely grassy fields and the gentle brooks and the fresh air and the sunny sky and the glowing sun and the gleeful unicorns and the playful clouds and the growing trees and the solemn children and the truthful lillies and the inaudible robot all dissapeared. The man panicked. Lonely, but not alone. Dreading the empty space between him and the others. Dreading his grey metal shell. Dreading eternal life. Dreading hope.

I'm the man on the siiilver mountain.

adieu              HEY ANGEL, WHAT'S YOUR SITUATION?

To genuinely believe in perfection is to genuinely believe in a God. An omnipotence. Another realm, another dimension. To believe in perfection, as it is portrayed by the numerous novels and works of fiction, is to believe in heaven. A complete state of enlightened extacy. Cynical optimist. Pessimistic hopefulness. Cats and dogs.

The closest we ever get to Utopia is within our minds when we wish and dream.

Only in our perpetual craving may we find comfort. Only in our bloated fantasies and exaggerated plans may we find consolation.

Man, this is so great! If only [insert here] would happen then we would be completely satisfied


To be satisfied is to be stupid. An intellectual void. A rock is satisfied. A rock does not think in the same patterns as we do. A rock is content, thus a rock may not feel or sense.

Marabou Marlboro on the floor

And all your cares, go up in smoke.



Religion is the striving for such a perfection, whether it be the Christian heaven or the Buddhist Nirvana, everything is essentially the same; a state of non-existence; a state in which you do not suffer. Because life is indeed suffering. A seemingly endless wheel of greed and lust. Tormented by our own morals and shunned by our minds. Blasphemers. We willfully embrace the whip.

Blood pouring out of our veins; the human sacrifice. We strive higher and higher, and we fall deeper and deeper.

But in the end, at the very top, rests a beautiful light. Belief. Faith. A wicked temptress to some, a celestial angel to others. Either way, it is clear that this deity holds the key to heaven, to Nirvana. But one may not reach this light so easily. One must fight and suffer and lose and ger back up again. One must slowly bleed to death..

But I have not stopped believing that you are the answer

Prove me wrong, I beg you.

adieu

You know how when youre in a certain mood, certain songs speak to you alot more than they did before?

Well this is one of those songs

A, as I call it, "sum-up" song...

"How could this poison be
The dream of my soul?
How did my fantasies take complete control, yeah?"


"Well I feel something's giving me the chance to RETURN
It's giving me the chance of saving my soul
Pictures of demigod are fading away
I'm going backwards but I'm in control
Feel it slipping away, slipping in tomorrow
Getting back to sanity, from the depths of sorrow"

Slowly, but resolutely, the needle pushes its way into my head. Pounding towards my mind. This routinous torture wearing me down. Slowly but resolutely. Crushing me. Oh God how I wish for this headache to stop...

Some, and by some I mean a vast majority of people, claim that one does not need substances in order to enjoy oneself, when in the company of others. They claim that substance users are boring people, because of their apparent need of guising themselves in the haze of chemical affectance.

I've come to find that people in general are boring people.

Boring, because their focus lies elsewhere. Only through compromise may one reach out to one another. Some choose to call it win-win.

I prefer lose-lose...


The daedric heart lies festering and naked before you. Please end its misery! Finish it off! It bears see you no longer.

The well of helm's deep was filled to the brim. Treachery, some may call it.

I prefer necessity...

The Micolan Retreat. Chapter XI of the Siege of Jurak

Cheat Code: 3498-666-420-404-2112

Time-Eternity-Never-Life-Death-Existence

Do whatever, for nothing you do may disrupt the great constant. Nothing you may do can interfere with its flawless plan. The future and the past are just different nows.

Thus rendering this command useless, but nevertheless just as it was meant for you to not read this, it was meant for me to write it.

Written by this omnipotent quill. Never shall it yield.

The point is that there is no point. The meaning is the absence of meaning. Do whatever, for thine lusts shall take you wherever. Do whatever, for in this eternal prison you are as free as you may ever be.

Do whatever, for that is what you are meant to do.

Be whoever, for that is whom you are meant to be.

Do whatever, whenever, wherever.

Oh God how I wish for this headache to stop...






hubris

Theater of Minds

Alone I stand tall
On this vast stage, I stand and I watch
Hungry eyes stare back at me
Forever Expecting
Awaiting
I stand before this audience
This crowd
And I act

I amaze them
I clutch their souls
I force them into my realms
They follow, blinded by the act
By the dim lights
By my whispering commands
And I feel

I make them feel what I feel
I make them see what I see
Hear what I hear
Taste what I taste
They are mine, all of them
I own you

The play is over
The act is done
The crowd must go their separate ways now
Do their own scenes
Play their own roles
And I stand alone, on this vast stage
Before an empty theater
And I fall apart

As I await the next show
The next act
I practice
I try to improve
I try to feel
And I fail

I find myself craving for the audience
I beg them to come back
Sooner
Only through them, may I act
Feel  Taste  Hear  See
Only through their eyes can I see
Me
And so I wait

My fellows praise me
They shout my name
Brilliant, they call me
Real, they call me
If only they knew
This hollow soul
This empty shell
I cry

I leave the stage
I leave the theater
I rush to my own house
To my kingdom
I look into the mirror
And I act
Without restraint or regret
I simply act

Insane, they call me
A Mad Man
And my name is forgotten
Erased

The food is pleasant. The weather is pleasant. The movie I'm watching is pleasant. Everything is pleasant. Nothing, however, is great. And how can it be, when all of my simplistic sources of joy are dwarfed by the cursed stars? Shaded by their light.

And I do have myself to blame, there is no denying that. I acted as a juvenile fool; a peasant amongst kings. I, in my hubris, ruined my chances of happiness. I destroyed the bridges I had built, and I took that damned leap off of that not-high-enough mounatin. I leapt and I fell. I reached for the sky, and I plummeted to the abyss.

This time, however, I shall not react as before. I have learned. I have been enlightened. (hah) And so I shall use this knowledge in order to not repeat the same mistakes again. How optimistic of me, eh? This time, I'll remain incognito. My walls are thicker than ever.

Yet so vulnerable

No. No matter what turmoil engulfs my insides, I shall not succumb. Tomorrow is the reckoning day and I shall not falter!

I feel I've been yapping about myself quite much lately. How disturbing. Ah, but how comforting to know that no one reads this anyway..

mmmmmyyuuuu *trying to get sympathy points*

Fuck you.

adieu

Iggy pop, y'all

There are so many memories that I will never remember; that I will never look back upon with a gleeful smile and tell my grandchildren about. There is so much I will never experience, feel, see, touch... Oh God

Yet I've seen them. People. Experiencing things, feeling things. I have seen them fade away in spiritual climaxes and I have seen them succumb to pain. I have seen them fall victim to their emotions, allowing them to taste this beautiful fruit of life. I have toyed with the idea that I may one day feel. I have put myself in these common peoples' places and I have imagined their orgy of emotions. I have told myself that in the event that I should feel this symbiotic light, that I shall not take it for granted. I shall not neglect it once it has been achieved. I shall not disregard emotions.

So I dream

And whenever I finally manage to reach one of many supposed states of awe, I can't help but becoming severely disappointed. I guess it's why nothing has remained sacred. Nothing feels as good anymore. My late night trips to the kitchen, my experimental mixing of foods, music, nature, games. Nothing is as good as it is in my mind. Nothing is enjoyable.

And to whom do I present this kiddery?

I demand too much. I crave for more. I raise the bar, even though the bar hasn't been conquered in several years. I keep on raising it. Everest. I have focused for too long on this one thing, on this naive belief (still believing), this one goal. I must stop at once. I knew it was folly even from the first minute I fucking thought about it... Yet my mind just had to go on and imagine... It had to create this epic world. But here's the difference, see. I believe that this particular imagination can actually be surpassed by the reality.. YES! That's what my belief is about. I believe the spirits can crush the fallacies of the faulty minds.

Back to the disappointments, though. I do keep a straight face, even though the greatest of imaginations have been violently raped. I keep a straight face and I react in a believable way. And here, my friends, comes the problem, see what if that's what they all are, really good actors, or rather, great liars, tricking themselves, then we're facing trouble. My belief has gotten its first dent. I can only hope that what I've seen has been true and that I am the faulty link, and that I one day too will learn their pain and their pleasure.

But I do remember a time; a time when everything was perfect; when worries were distant and faith was strong. Faith in life. The good ol' days. But just as those people I genuinely fear that these memories are a product of my dreamer self. I tell myself that I have evolved, that I have been elevated. But oh, what an elevation. I tell myself this, yet I am not sure whether I have ever been euphoric.

Euphoria. Complete and utter happiness.

I remember writing that once, and I remember what a load of bull it was, too. That I remember. It was around that time that the newest Micolan era began: The Era of Disillusion. Following the Aegis Ad Astra. Whatever.

Something, however, drives me. Something keeps me from disappearing into the void. I do exist, by the human definition, and so I am part of the Great Constant.

Everything in this world is grey, until our senses paint them.

This last reach, however. This final struggle for vindication, salvation, has not been pleasant. It has turned my world empty and hollow and it will continue to be like that until the stars are mine. I wonder, though, why the hell did I have to do that now? Now, of all times? The timing is horrible. And to almost succeed is far worse than to fail utterly. Ah to be one of the poles, one of the lights, one of the many. Ah to feel. There are only two ways to go now: Up or down, heaven or hell, pain or pleasure. The pain is real, why isn't the euphoria. The greatest of all arguments, the strongest of all points.

cogito ergo sum... I wonder



I think I have never been alone for 24 hours. That is the saddest and most pathetic fact of my life. Jesus Christ, they're like fucking roaches. They have put hooks in our mouths, making it impossible for us to escape. And who am I to blame them? It is what they're told to do, programmed to do. "Raise your kid, raise your kid". Fuck you! Raise your own fucking self for a change....ah but ah

adieu

Turn your gaze to the stars, and the world you stand upon shall be taken for granted. [another quote in the bank]


oh gi ran jaaa               ran ja ja ran

Argentina!

ARGENTINA ARGENTINA ARGENTINA

el loco (;

Now this tournament has finally gotten interesting. Ah but ah, isn't it but a futile dream? Aren't these pathetic excuses for drugs failing utterly? I like to think so. I like to think my addiction is merely that of the mind. But yet I seek the non-thrilling thrills

I tell my body to conjure those feelings; to create them out of thin air; to synthesize emotions. And all evidence shows that it works, the biochemical manipulation did work, I felt what I once did. Back in the day, as they say. Back in the day.


"forever encumbered, by this iron ambition"

"the grass was greener"


I don't know, I guess I'm just filling out the voids. You remember the voids don't you? DON'T YOU??

You know, I've always wanted to start something by saying: You know.


Comedy about trees, and korean people holdin hands

See? There was no point in believing, was there now?

What do you mean? I haven't been disproven yet, you cynical bastard

Cynical!? Is that what you get for being logical these days?

Nevermind you and your pessimism, I'm gonna float

Jesus, you never learn do you, you're like a fucking child

and a chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild of light, he WAS






Switzerland just beat Spain... oh the glory


Ah but ah, I do believe

I shall not falter



I brought out the bricks from the bin they had been stored at... I brought them out and I rebuilt! The first cornerstones of the Micolan empire have been built.




A man is born atheist but he dies religious

ah man ize be in wonedrland n shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

-hello mr Cattepillar, how... What IZ that you're smoking, holmes? Gimme some dat shit

- I'z be givin' you nuthn til' u passed that ritual motherfucker, motherfucker

- Yo, holmes, you know I'm up fo it, tell me what to do.

- Shiiit, you just go over to that fucking poker table over there, should be a glock lying around over there, by those cards man..

- Yeah

- Yeah take that glock man, and pop a cap in dat weirdo upstairs' ass

- You mean that black dude? And I ain't be talkin bout no brother, hell no. You want me to shoot that dark motherfucker

-Put a glock to your dome and you start to cry

- Boom biddi bye bye




BLAAARGH

adieu

woof

As I was sitting there, by myself, on that gloomy June night, I thought of our perpetual goal seeking behaviour. I thought of time, and of sorrow. I thought of mistakes and regrets and to my surprise I realized that I was in fact smiling. Yes, smiling! One might ask for what...

Well, when I found out that there was in fact a huge fucking grin on my face I immediately turned "stone-face" of course. It was quite interesting though... The tunes from that calm track in Master of Reality played over and over in my head and I had to pause the movie I was watching (Funny People), after which my lowly smile turned into the greatly revered face of the desperate madman. Oh yes! The only reason I had for not making my three day streak a four day one was simply because fear of the loss of control. The next real phase of my plan won't take
place in a week or so, I'll have football to accompany me until then... Let's just hope that's enough

Also, movies these days make a greater impact on me than they used to. Scenes, previously seen as corny and cliché suddenly stand out as the most prominent parts of the movie. Jesus, what's happening to me... I this the life experience they're all talking about? Oh well

In my mind I know all of this. That's the most frustrating part! I see the shackles, the chains and the iron bars! I see the keys, but I just can't reach them. I can read my own actions; trace them back to their origins, but I can't fucking do anything about them. Strength...

but for what, eh? For what... It's easier just to succumb because in the end, there is no escape... none at all

unless

unless I believe

adieu





[You're never going to be happy, because you're always gonna be stuck with yourself. Unless somehow, you can get away from You, you're always gonna be miserable George]


Funny People was actually a great flick. It was quite obvious what they were going for, but the effect was quite different than expected. myes myes.. lovely

The desert wanderer turns his gaze to the sky, praying for one single tear to fall from the great heavens. The lone sailor turns his gaze to the distance, praying for a humble island to appear.

contrasts


question!

Who would you rather be:

An extremely successful author, greatly acclaimed and widely appreciated. You wrote three books in your mid-twenties (you're 64 now), and you have won the nobel prize in litterature. You have a grand mansion in some sunny beach and all your needs are taken care of, be it hookers, alcohol, cars, whatever. You live your life in abundance and everything is awesome. You've loved several girls but you cheated on them all and you genuinely regret it and wish for all of them to come back.


You're an average dude working at Wal-Mart in your mid-thirties. Not much is going on in your life, as all your friends "grew up" and there's no one left to get crazy with, so you work as much as you possibly can. You have already made plans for what you are going to do when you retire and they all include sitting at a beach and not worrying... The thought have never crossed your mind that you already can't find anything to do with the little spare time you have, and so you hold on to these naive dreams. You're in love with a person who works in
the same department as you do, but you've barely even gotten a "hello" out of that person. However, in your mind you have created great scenarios and adventures in which you would save that person or take herhim on a great journey and that heshe would love you forever.


oh shi- they're the same dood

Essentially: Surrounded by abundance, or chasing an unreachable dream.

Come and see the mind's eye, we can find it if we try

My eyes are extremely dry and though its quite pleasant, I think sleep is a far better alternative for now..

good night, fellas




The military is for people who would rather die than think for themselves - ( im proud of that one :) )

There is a future ahead of me, and God knows what it holds. I fear, though... I fear the loss of these newly acquired eyes. I fear the loss of my mind. I fear that social seclusion will only lead me further down the apathetic road of depression, though it seems the rational option. I'm not sure... but as for now, life is drippin! f00tb4ll

I shall practice now... prraactice...


adieu

It seems my legions of followers should be here, by now...hmm...wonder where they are

-Leegions!

damn

hello... I come to you, friends and foes, guised in the cloak of humanity. But fear not, fellow men, for you too, are in possession of such a cloak. Indeed. There is an idea amongst us... an idea sprung from the minds of children.. an idea greater than life itself and this idea, my deluded underlings, is the greatly revered concept of happiness. For too long have we lived this lie. For too long have we let the wheel of time turn its routinous cogs. For too long have we held on to hopes of a grand future, and wallowed in memories of the past. Where in this chaotic mess resides the present? Where is the Now which we all fanatically strive to perfect. Emanananancipaetus

My friends, I shall tell of the young general and his peasant army...whenever I have the orks

Bacon is good for me? Well, see my friends, I climbed my Everest today, the altidudes were incredibly high.

Now I've reached perfection... well so it seems. Everything is right but of course something's still missing... but I shall not discard this missing something as yet another futile dream, no! I shall believe in Thy godliness... I must believe

Believe in
believe in Thee



drifting further





One single thing could elevate this experience... only one thing

imgon call ova hoez n shit

adieu

I've got nothing left to lose, but my mind
I've got nothing left to chose, so I think I'll go insane


To quote my diary, there is a constant battle within me between the cynical "wishing to emancipate"-self and the "optimistic love thy neighbour"-self... This battle has of course raved since the very beginning of time but now it has turned into a chaotic turmoil rather than a battle. I seem to within the course of five minutes change my complete outlook on life twice or even three times. God help me.

Can't there be a final victor? Can't I settle as one?

and then it goes on to be a little more personal...

adieu



Black Sabbath - The Warning         t'sall I have to say

Tell meeeee remiind meee
chase the water racing from the sky.....

sorry, I just got this Dream Theater song on my mind...it's awesome though





praying for time to disappear... well

I wonder..

Previously I've looked at people wishing for immortality as rather naive and stupid. And I mean sure, a whole lot of them probably are, but that's not the point. It is a common notion among intellectuals that only if our lives are limited, can they be truly appreciated...and sure I see their point, I do.

and I guess...I don't know

If the possibility of death and the very concept of physical pain were to be abolished, what would happen?

Well, I'm kinda tired, sorry. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that things can only be valued if they are temporary, but they are as likely to be destroyed by the knowledge that it would one day go away... now, I don't know where I stand on this but it seems to me this bargaining of sorrow and joy is bullshit, for there is in fact no objective morality and there exists no such thing as joy or sorrow...We are only "happy" when we fulfil our most primal desires...but we're not even happy then, at least I am not. My brain is fuckin with me basically and everything can go to hell...unless....yes, unless there is some last option; a way out of misery, or rather, apathy.

unless

You say it's not the real world, well it seems so real to me. -Wolfmother

Your lips move, but I can't hear what you say - Pink Floyd

I promised on my soul not to get carried away - Megadeth

The forests will echo with laughter- Led Zeppelin

He promised that he would return, but doubted that he would - YES

The smile of dawn arrived early May- Dream Theater

Panacea, liquid grace - Rush





I dont know where I am and I'll never make it back



dea infernalia, adieu

Show me what is real, said the man, dressed in a velvet robe. Show me the present, convince me of its existence. The man was greatly amused to be presented with such an easy question. He explained the now. He told of change, and of the future as well as the misty past. He said that what lied between, the very instant of reality, was the Now. The robed man sighed and stepped forward.

Friend, he said, you described the past and you described the future, without seeing the glorious connection. No no, my friend.

The robed man brought forth a green apple.

Behold, he said, an apple. Imagine now, friend; this apple is the past and now (he took a bite and held forth the deformed fruit) it is the future. Or rather, it was the now and it will become the now. See friend, the Present is less than zero, a state of nothing within the wheel of time.

He let the apple fall to the ground.

And now, this apple shall nurture some animal, and that animal's soil shall produce a new apple. All is part of the great cogs of the grand wheel. No escape, just a small figment of a great constant. The robed man disappeared, and the world fell apart. At last.

For how long must I hold on? How long til the battle is won, at last? How many more signs; how many more bad omens? I wonder, when will I oppose the opressors. When will I stand up to the very deity that has wronged me? Ah to hell with it. I bare being like this no longer. You disgust me. dea infernalia

adieu